Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Frankish Queen Fredegund..vicious bad ass of the week.

You have got to read about this chick.

Talk about evil?  She makes Ghengis Khan and Hitler look like punks.  Uh yeah.  That's her slamming her Daughters head in a trunk...and she loved her.  Go here to read the full story but a few excerpts....
Long story short, Chilperic/Fredegund fought an epic seven-year war with Siegebert/Brunhilde, with either side sending their mailed knights charging spears-first into combat and shivving the fuck out of anyone in their paths. After a hard-fought campaign, Fredegund defeated her rivals, crushed them in battle, then had King Siegebert whacked by stabbing him in the kidneys by a pair of assassins while he was in the process of giving a speech about how he was going to get revenge and beat the shit out of Fredegund once and for all (I'm not sure if she planned the timing to work out like that, but it's badass either way). With the rival King dead, Fredegund overran the rest of Siegebert's men, captured Brunhilde, destroyed her cities, and then had Siegebert's top government official (who was admittedly a greedy evil bastard known as "The Breaker of Wills") executed by being systematically dismembered joint-by-joint with white-hot pokers and knives (holy shit).
Fredegund also planned to have Brunhilde whacked as well, but while she was trying to figure out some sort of awesome new cruel and unusual punishment to carry out some ass hole broke Brunhilde out of prison and snuck her out of the realm. But, whatever. Fredegund eventually tracked that guy down and had him stabbed to death by his own servants, then had his kid poisoned to death by an evil chef just for good measure.
and...
 In true badass back-room Emperor Palpatine conspirator fashion, Fredegund's primary method of disposing of her enemies was by hiring easily-bribeable men to poison or shiv her enemies for her. Thanks to her own personal charm, a collection of dirty secrets that would make Nick Fury want to high-five her, and a nearly-limitless amount of gold at her disposal, the Queen of the Franks routinely hired everyone from Dukes and Priests to slaves and brigands to take up oleander-coated daggers and shank douchebags in her name. Her personal favorite method of execution was to hire a band of thugs armed with heavily-poisoned Swedish eating utensils known as scramsaxes (it even sounds like an IKEA thing) to fall upon her target in the woods, beat the shit out of them, rob them, and leave them to die slow, agonizingly-painful deaths. Then, when the brigands would return to report the kill, Fredegund would have those assholes whacked as well, regardless of whether they completed their mission or not (though it's worth mentioning she'd just behead them with axes at dinner parties if they succeeded, whereas if they failed it was much worse... one poor cleric who failed to execute Brunhilde was punished by having his hands and feet cut off and then being thrown in a hole).
Geez.

Talk about a case of terminal PMS!

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